If I ever go to the grocery store, which I avoid like Hepetitis C, I want to get in and get out. I don’t want to make small talk with people I ONLY run into at the grocery store. Let’s just pretend like we don’t see each other-OK? I know it may sound rude, or be rude… but isn’t it even ruder to bend my ear for 20 minutes about what talented genius’ your 2.5 kids are wile my million dollars worth of food melts? Do people really think t
hat because you run in to them every six months that we need the “update?”
Real conversation at the grocery store:
Barbie: (waving arms frantically) Heyeyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! Hooow are youuuuu???? OMG it has been forever! (reaching out for a hug) Elizabeth BIGhorse!
Me: (trying like hell to remember her name without her realizing that I don’t have a clue) Hi! How’s it going?
Barbie: OMG we are so b-u-s-y! (spelling it out for me-literally) Suzanne Catherine is involved with select soccer and scored two goals last weekend when her team traveled to Australia so that they had kids of their own skill level to play. I am always on the run with William Jonathan’s fencing lessons lately because his Mercedes has been in the shop getting the new stereo installed. Thank goodness that school comes so easy for them both and that their modeling agency works around their crazy schedule! I barely have a minute to keep myself cute (laughs at her own joke …Skylar has been working so much lately he treated me a girls trip, to the spa at the ocean for a week and bought me a purple Hummer for our anniversary.
She goes on like this for at least ten minutes. Somewhere in her diatribe it dawns on me that our kids went to a local preschool together.
Me: Sounds great… Glad to hear the kids are superstars. We all knew they would be! I better run before my cart melts. Maybe I’ll see you at the gym (me? never) because she clearly works out daily or has the world’s best plastic surgeon on speed dial.
She glances into my cart which is topped off with tons of frozen food boxes, hot dogs, and a dozen donuts balancing precariously. And then my eyes betrayed me, and somehow I could not help myself from looking into her cart. The only thing that stuck out is that every item was tagged “organic.” I feel HUGE and awkward just talking to her. Thank God, her cell rings and she is off.
My mind starts to re-think all that she just said, and I am sure I looked a bit smug. Jack and I have four kids in our blended family and at least 12 more that we feed on a regular basis, so we often over hear the local gossip. What I know for sure is that William Jonathan goes by “Willy-J” at the local raves and rumor has it drops acid, that Suzanne Catherine has a fondness for older bad boys and although there are numerous Hummer’s here in quaint little Maple Valley, I can’t recall ever seeing a purple one, unless you count the one that has been parked at my single neighbor’s home at night recently.
By the end of the aisle I am thinking I should track her down in the store and give here the heads up on grocery delivery.
Grocery Store Tips:
1. Don’t wait for a close parking stall. Doing so moves you directly to asshole status. (Walmart not included, if you at Walmart there are no rules to getting spot) Get your ass out of the car and walk.
2. Cart traffic: In the grocery store industry they call certain hours of business "rush hour"--perhaps you've heard this term before. During this time, the number of people in the store rises, and, hence, the number of carts. It's just like driving a car, you see, during "rush hour". Now, let's pretend the store is a microcosm for big city traffic (should be easy for you commuters). On a given street, the moving cars tend to drive down the center, while the parked ones tend to remain on either side of the street. Although it is sometimes slow going, this tends to work rather well. It can work in a grocery store too, I swear. When an item catches your eye, kindly park your cart off the side of whichever aisle you happen to be on, then peruse the object of your fancy. When you are driving down Van Ness, see Starbucks, and have the sudden urge for a mochafrappaccino, do you just park your car in the second lane and walk on over? I didn't think so. Same inside the store.
3. Don’t pull the grocery store hit and run or even better don’t let your kids do it. I’ve seen it countless times…don’t hand your drooling toddler something to gnaw on while you shop and then put the package back. Or tell Johnny he can hold it until check out and then switch it out for a fresh one before you check out. Hello? That is stealing…you are damaging a product and not paying for it. If your kids eat a cookie that isn’t given to them, YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR IT. You are responsible for them-yes, really.
4. Paper or plastic question should not stump people. Don’t act like you have no idea what the bagger is asking or ignore them when they are asking. They are not mind readers.
5. Don’t engage people in private conversations, grocery store aisles are not sound proof. Nor brag for a half hour about your kids…your life is not much different than many others. Fact, get over it.
PS. Oh, and if I happen to mention one of our hot new products, it is so I can justify my new duty to “blog” everyday to Patty (my business partner) Who knows maybe this will suck more than blogging but it also might compel you to buy something at
moodswingsonthenet.com so Patty and I can hire a real writer.
Elizabeth
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